Depression. Repeat.

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My first anxiety attack was in July of 2017. I honestly cannot tell you what brought it on. My first suicidal thought was 2 months later. I tried to silence the thoughts for about 3 weeks until, one night my husband found me in the closet. I was in my own little world, I didn't know how long I had been there, my hands were over my ears and I was crying. Whispering to God, the universe, anything that would listen and help me be strong. He sat down and held me. When I finally could speak without crying, I admitted to my hurting.

A few days later driving to work, I felt numb. I saw a cliff and wanted to drive right off it. I texted my husband (I know bad Kelsey, no texting and driving). But I just could not bare hearing his voice, as I told him I wanted to die. Eventually after many ignored back to back calls, I answered. He stayed on the phone with me until I reached my HR Directors office. She sat with me, distracted me and then put me in her car. She drove me an hour away to the hospital where she stayed with me for 2 hours until my husband got there. It was then that I was admitted to the Behavioral Health unit. My HR director called/texted my husband every day until I came back to work 2 weeks later. She checked on me weekly. My husband never complained. He never made me feel like I was less than worthy of living. Not everyone, has a supportive husband and work colleague that would do this for them. Not to mention, speaking out about depression is no where near easy. It feels easier to just slip away, unnoticed and unannounced. I am a fan of the truth. Black and White, bold, underlined, not fluff honesty.

So here I am 2 years later, working in a psychiatry department at a medical university. I still struggle, but I fight. I fight for my kids, my husband, and for a future where depression is not only talked about, but the severity and reality is acknowledged. If my HR director and my husband did not understand the truth about depression, my kids may be without a mother. Many wonder what depression feels like, this is my attempt at sharing.

-KB in all HONESTY