Firsts... in all HONESTY

Firsts… there is a lot of pressure when it comes to first times. First kiss, first day of school, first time being intimate, first marriage, first child, first job, first best friend and first time starting a real blog. I have been obsessing over what my first blog post should be about. I have started this post more times than I have fingers (yes I have all my fingers). I felt like I needed something over the top, spectacular and positive because otherwise it will somehow jinx what may have become something great. But the thing is I created this blog to be stories and thoughts through unfiltered honesty. In the words of Rachel “spit on my neck and kick me in the crotch”. The truth is, my best friend for 14 years recently visited and has since gone home and I am heart broken. For you to really grasp this, let me back up a decade and a half.

When I was 13 I met a girl who was tall and awkward like me. I sat next to her one Wednesday at Church and asked her if she liked Hilary Duff. When she answered yes, I decided instantly she was going to be my best friend. She sat next to me when I gave birth at 16 years old. I stood in the bleachers as she graduated high school. She sat in the audience as I got my GED. We took our first road trip together and got our cartilages pierced together. She stood by me at my wedding and I by her at her wedding. We got matching tattoos together. She visited me two more times when I had my younger two daughters. I did not get to watch her receive her bachelors but I celebrated her still. A year ago I moved to Charleston and she has visited me each summer. Our adult lives have lead very different paths from one another but one thing that will never change; she is one of the biggest pieces of my heart. So her leaving has made me feel empty and alone.

So firsts… what can I say? This is the first time since moving her that I have second guessed being in one of the most cultured and breathtakingly beautiful cities the United States has to offer. Firsts… sometimes they are incredible and sometimes they are heartbreaking. So what do we do? We cry. We ball, we scream, we hit a pillow, take up kick boxing, take a hot shower and weep on the floor. But then one day, we stop. We wipe our face and we breathe. There is a technique my therapist taught me, it is called grounding. Focus and describe 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell and then take one deep breathe. It allows you to center yourself, calm your anxiety and live in the present.

We cannot stop ourselves from feeling pain, nor should we. Pain is a part of healing. If you never feel pain, how do you know anything you are doing/experiencing is good? There are two sayings that come to mind “the greatest of outcomes, starts with the greatest of sacrifice”, “life was never meant to be easy, but it was promised to be worth it”. Trust me I can hear your thoughts, “easier said than done KB”. I struggle with severe anxiety and depression, I project my issues decades in advance, and I know how impossible this all seems. But believe me; it is very possible with hard work.

So I will end with this, it is okay not to be okay. Cry, scream, punch, kick, do what you need to, to heal. But do not stay there. Get back up, straighten your crown and conquer this bitch of a world. In all honesty…YOU got this queen! **Hey my message turned out positive and inspiring after all.

-KB in all HONESTY…

Ravenel Bridge in Charleston, South Carolina on The Spirit Line Dinner Cruise